“WHEAT BELLY” ~ by Dr. William Davis……. A diet-changing book for Any Year!

January 10, 2015 by womanofpeace

What Giving Up Wheat Has Done for Me – An Update 2 Years Later (May, 2017)

I haven’t taken an AFTER picture of my belly like I promised I would, but I can tell you the dimensions have decreased substantially: Since writing this post at the beginning of 2015, I’ve lost 20 pounds, and 8 cm from my waist, and 9 cm from my belly. I’m feeling and looking good! The post below is about a diet change I made and have basically stuck with (with a few relapses before joining OA eight months ago) which has become a way of life, and given me back my health. For anyone looking to make some similar changes, read my original post below. All the best in your quest for a healthier YOU 🙂

Books drop into my life unbidden. Someone is talking about a book they’re reading, or I see the cover on a coffee table or online, and it’s like, I’ve got to read that.

It’s a new year, and that’s always a good time to make a new start. I was thinking about what I could do, and suddenly, there it was, the inspirational book to get me going in the right direction, health-wise, in 2015: WHEAT BELLY, by Dr. William Davis. Thanks to Brenda for loaning it to me before taking it back to the library.

Dr. Davis’ basic claim is that the need for ‘healthy whole grains’ is “pure fiction.” This blog post is my excited and enthusiastic report about what I read, and how my body is responding to not eating wheat anymore.

I started 6 days ago~ no bread of any kind, no cakes or cookies, no chips, or tacos, or pasta. Have I forgotten anything? Yes. Lots of processed foods have wheat in them, so I’m reading labels now. I’ve decided to be careful, and vigilant, not because I have Celiac disease and experience the painful consequences of ingesting gluten, but because my unsightly wheat belly is an indicator of all kinds of potential problems that I will face if I keep going the way I have been. Like many Americans, I’ve been addicted to bread products in all their varied and wondrous forms, and I’m also overweight.

The book made sense to me. All I had to do was look down to recognize the result of my food choices hanging solidly around my middle. The research also scared me into action. I don’t want to become a diabetic like my sister, or have my toes amputated like my diabetic friend at the pool. He’s younger than I am, and I definitely recognized a wheat belly while we were sitting and chatting in the sun. I don’t want to have my knees or hips replaced like one of mom’s friend. She has a wheat belly, too. I know I need to take better care of my bones, joints, organs, and brain, not to mention all the other indispensable parts of me that I love and appreciate and don’t want to lose. I don’t want to eat food that leaches the calcium out of my bones, elevates my blood sugar and sets off an unhealthy chain reaction, throws the pH balance off, or sneaks past the blood/brain barrier and messes with my mind. As Dr. Davis points out, today’s genetically modified and hybridized wheat isn’t really the same food as our forbears ate. He calls it a ‘synthetic’ food, and after reading WHEAT BELLY, you’ll understand why.

I’m feeling inspired to have found a way to improve my health this year, and I’m already seeing the results of making a commitment to living wheat-free. After only 6 days I feel lighter, cleaner, and good about taking more responsibility for my constant companion, my body. After two days I had the best bowel movement in a very long time. Some readers will understand how exciting that is. I thought immediately that this is the beginning of a cleaning out process, and that I’m really onto something here.

The third day, I had a second helping of ice-cream with whipped cream on top, and I noticed that I didn’t feel good afterwards. No more seconds! On the 5th day, I didn’t feel good after a medium-size DQ shake, AND I had terrible smelly gas 😦 Whew! No more large ice-cream portions. Ice-cream is not a wheat product, so it’s allowed, but I’m starting to see what my body likes, not just what I think I want. I promised myself that next time I indulge in a coffee milk-shake at DQ, I’ll buy the small size and split it with a friend. That probably won’t be for a long time.

I’ve been feeling happy, in spite of the fact that I have no idea where I’m headed or what I’m going to be doing tomorrow or the next day. I left my home and my family, and I’m on the road, and that can be very scary. But it’s what I want and need to do right now, and having the boundaries of a clear eating plan removes some of the decision-making, and provides a sort of anchor, or steadying presence. I’m experiencing less mood swings, and in spite of the fact that my life is in a state of flux, I feel like I’m on an even keel~ I’m calm and happy, my mind is clear, my energy is good, and I’m not on drugs.

For anyone who knows me, that’s a big change. Of course, it’s not ALL about the wheat. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself lately. But changes in fuel quality and quantity make a difference. I’m not experiencing any of my usual cravings for sweets, especially in-between meals or in the middle of the night. I feel satisfied for 5 or 6 hours at a stretch, just like Dr. Davis promised I would. Food is just not on my mind as much.

I’m eating raw nuts to make up for the breads I used to crave. I carry a bag of almonds with me in my purse, and if I think I need to eat and it’s not a meal time, I just pop a small handful into my mouth and chew on them. It satisfies, and does no harm. I’m using more vegetables when I prepare meals, and finding it’s easy to do. Also, keeping carbs like rice, oatmeal, and beans in the 1/2 cup portion size like Dr. Davis recommends, controls spikes in blood sugar, and I eat less in the process. Fruits are totally healthy, but should be limited because of their sugar content. All of that is fine by me. It’s about downsizing, in every way.

I weighed in at 191 pounds last week when I started ~ almost the heaviest I’ve ever been~ with a waist measurement of 106cm, and the belly 127cm. All I had in my suitcase was my tape measure from home in Belgium, so I’ll stick to centimeters. I’m going to keep track, and I’m looking forward to saying goodbye to my wheat belly in 2015.

I usually take copious notes from books that inspire me, but I don’t own, and are just passing through my hands briefly. It takes time, but then I have something to look back on when I want to re-inspire myself. It’s also a way to share key points with other people. The following excerpts are for the sake of anyone out there who is feeling stuck in a way of life that isn’t feeling quite right, and who is interested in doing something for their body this year. I’m not much of a scientist, so I left a lot of the biological explanations out~ to avoid all the extra copying~ and just wrote down the practical parts that spoke to me. One story in particular resonated with me. It was about a 61 year old woman who weighed 182 pounds, and decided to give up wheat. In 14 months she lost 55 pounds, and 12 inches around her waist. I’m 63, and equally overweight (I almost typed ‘overwheat’) and I have a very distinct wheat belly which I’d like to lose. But more than that, I’d like to gain a better and more healthy lifestyle to protect and preserve this totally wonderful organism that has been serving me so well. I like it the way it is, and I’m not ashamed about how I look, but I want to be healthier on the inside, so I can be around longer, and enjoy my life until the end.

Wheat isn’t really wheat anymore: According to Dr. Davis, “Wheat strains have been hybridized, crossbred, and introgressed to make the wheat plant resistant to environmental conditions. Genetic changes have been induced to increase yield per acre~ more than ten times that of farms a century ago. Drastic changes to genetic codes have come at a price. Today’s bread bears little resemblance to the loaves that emerged from our forbears’ ovens.”

“The health profile of a wheat-deficient person: slender, flat tummy, low triglycerides, high HDL (good) cholesterol, normal blood sugar, normal blood pressure, high energy, good sleep, and normal bowel function.” What’s not to want about all that?

The author had a wheat sensitivity, and tested his body’s response to both the einkorn bread (the evolutionary predecessor of modern-day wheat), and modern organic whole-wheat bread. He ate 4 oz of each, on two consecutive days, and documented his blood sugars after consuming each. His starting blood sugar was 84 mg/dl. After eating the einkorn bread, his blood sugar rose to 110 mg/dl, and he felt fine. The next day, after eating the conventional whole wheat bread, his blood sugar rose to 167 mg/dl, and he had his usual bad reaction~ nausea and a headache~ for the next 36 hours. The difference in his body’s response was a revelation to him. The book documenting his research about wheat and its effects on the human body and mind became a New York Times Bestseller in 2011, and it is my new wellness guide this year.

Genetic Modification: “The science of genetic modification has advanced. New strains can be genetically tailored to be compatible with specific fertilizers or pesticides…Incremental genetic variations…can make a world of difference. Take human males and females…the crucial differences originate with just a single chromosome, the diminutive male Y chromosome and its few genes… Public pressure has now prompted the international agricultural community to develop guidelines, but no such outcry was raised years earlier as farmers and geneticists carried out tens of thousands of hybridization experiments. Hybridization efforts continue, breeding new ‘synthetic’ wheat.”

The cost of carbs: “Wheat is a supercarbohydrate: Whole wheat bread increases blood sugar to a higher level than sucrose. Aside from some extra fiber, eating two slices of whole wheat bread is really little different, and often worse, than drinking a can of sugar-sweetened soda or eating a candy bar. The glycemic index (GI) of white bread is 69, the GI of whole grain bread is 72, and the GI of table sugar is 59. The GI of a Mars bar is 68, and the GI of a Snickers bar is 41 ~ far better than whole grain bread.”

“Wheat products greater elevated blood sugar levels than virtually any other carbohydrate, from beans to candy bars… The higher the blood glucose after consumption of food, the greater the insulin level, the more fat is deposited. That’s why eating a 3-egg omelet that triggers no increase in glucose doesn’t add to body fat, while 2 slices of whole wheat bread does, particularly abdominal or deep visceral fat.”

“Wheat is, in effect, an appetite stimulant. People who eliminate wheat from their diet consume fewer calories….A Mayo Clinic/Univeristy of Iowa study showed 27.5 pounds of weight loss in the first 6 months of a wheat free diet.”

“In Celiac disease, the one conventionally accepted example of wheat-related intestinal illness, gluten protein provokes an immune response that inflames the small intestine, causing abdominal cramps and diarrhea…Wheat is also unique among foods for its curious effects on the brain, effects shared with opiate drugs. People who eliminate wheat from their diet typically report improved mood, fewer mood swings, improved concentration, and deeper sleep within days or weeks.”

Having read all of the above, I was already determined to give up wheat and lose MY wheat belly. Who wouldn’t want to feel better? Here’s more:

Schizophrenia and diet: “Dr. Curtis Dohan observed that during WWII, there were fewer hospitalizations for schizophrenia when food shortages made bread unavailable. More recently, a Duke University doctor described a 70 year old schizophrenic woman who experienced complete relief from psychosis and suicidal desires within 8 days of stopping wheat.” It’s inspiring to me to read about natural causes and cures to mental illness. When I was in college, I read a book that suggested fasting as a possible cure for mental illness. I immediately put myself on a 7-day fast, and turned my life around. I believe that what we eat affects us. Why wouldn’t it? It looks like we may have to learn that the hard way, though.

The blood-brain barrier: “Wheat polypeptides have the ability to penetrate the blood-brain barrier. Once having gained entry into the brain, they bind to the brain’s morphine receptor, the same receptor to which opiate drugs bind…wheat is therefore one of the few foods that can alter behavior, induce pleasurable effects, and generate a withdrawal syndrome upon its removal.”

“Wheat is an appetite stimulant, specifically the exorphins from gluten. Lose the wheat, lose the weight. Foods made with or containing wheat make you fat. Wheat over-consumption is the main cause of the obesity and diabetes crisis in the US.”

Americans are big, and fat. I realized that after living in Asia for many years and coming back home. It was a shock. And when I walk down the grocery store aisles, I can see why. Here are some statistics from WHEAT BELLY: “According to the CDC, 34.4% of Americans are overweight (BMI of 25-29.9) and 33.9% are obese (BMI 30 or more). Less than 1 in 3 are normal weight. Belly fat is created by bulging fatty internal organs. It is the surface manifestation of visceral fat contained within the abdomen, and encasing abdominal organs (liver, kidneys, pancreas, large and small intestines). Visceral fat is dangerous. The more visceral fat is present, the greater quantities of abnormal inflammatory signals released into the bloodstream. The list of health conditions triggered by visceral fat is growing and now includes dementia, rheumatoid arthritis, colon cancer, diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease. Waist circumference is proving to be a powerful predictor of all these conditions, as well as of mortality.”

Visceral Fat: I wasn’t sure what the word meant, but I wasn’t in the dark for long. “In the human body, all fat is not equal,” writes Davis. “Belly fat is a repository for inflammatory white blood cells (macrophages) and is in effect an endocrine gland much like your thyroid or pancreas. High blood sugar provokes high blood insulin. High blood insulin provokes visceral fat accumulation. Visceral fat is also a factory for estrogen production, stimulating growth of breast tissue. Increased visceral fat has been associated with a 4-fold increased risk for breast cancer.”

The average weight loss of a group of Dr. Davis’ patients who eliminated wheat from their diets was 26.7 pounds in 5.6 months. “If there’s no glucose-insulin cycle, there’s little to drive appetite and when appetite shrinks, calorie intake is reduced, visceral fat disappears, insulin resistance improves, blood sugars fall. Diabetics can become non-diabetics. Where there’s diabetes, there’s wheat. In 2009, 24 million Americans were diabetic. It’s the fastest growing disease (other than obesity). For every diabetic there are 3 or 4 people who are prediabetic. 22-39% of all US adults have prediabetes. More limb amputations are performed for diabetes than any other nontraumatic disease. Diabetes was formerly uncommon. Unhealthy weight gain is exceptionally costly. More money is spent on health consequences of obesity than on education.”

“The average American consumes 133 pounds of wheat per year,” according to Davis’ research. “That’s approximately half a loaf of bread per day. Goodbye to wheat, goodbye to diabetes. Diabetes should be regarded as a disease of carbohydrate intolerance.”

About the alkaline/acidic balance: “Vegetables and fruits are the dominant alkaline foods in the diet. Our natural body pH is 7.4. Acidosis, and its acidic pH, pulls calcium carbonate and calcium phosphate from bone to maintain the body pH of 7.4. The more protein intake from vegetables rather than animal products, the fewer hip fractures occur. Modern eating practices create a chronic acidosis that leads to osteoporosis, and fractures in 53% of women over the age of 50. A decline in bone density begins years before menopause, and is not due to a loss of estrogen after menopause. It is largely due to the chronic low-grade acidosis we create with diet, at any age.”

“Wheat is among the most potent sources of sulfuric acid, yielding more per gram than any meat. Sulfuric acid is dangerous stuff. Although the sulfuric acid produced by wheat is dilute, even in tiny quantities in dilute form it’s an overwhelmingly potent acid that rapidly overcomes the neutralizing affects of alkaline bases. Grains such as wheat account for 38% of the average American’s acid load. In one study, increased gluten intake increased urinary calcium loss by 63%. A chronic acid burden eats away at bone health. Remove wheat from the modern diet, replace the lost calories with vegetables, fruits, beans, and nuts, and the alkaline balance is restored. Wheat-free people consume 350-400 fewer calories per day. Hunger is curbed, and it’s easy to go for 5 to 6 hours between meals.”

The affects of wheat on the joints: “Osteoarthritis is the most common form of arthritis worldwide. Loss of cartilage resulted in 773,000 knee and hip replacements in America in 2010. The same inflammation that issues from the visceral fat of the wheat belly and results in diabetes, heart disease, and cancer also yields inflammation of the joints. The greater the degree of overweight (i.e. higher BMI) the higher the quantity of leptin within joint fluid, and the greater the severity of cartilage and joint damage. Losing weight, particularly visceral fat, improves arthritis. Cartilage cells are incapable of reproducing. If cartilage proteins, such as collagen and aggrecan, become glycated, they become abnormally stiff, making cartilage brittle and unyielding, eventually crumbling. Remove wheat and reduce joint inflammation, get fewer blood-sugar ‘highs’ that glycate cartilage, and shift the pH balance to alkaline.”

The diet: If you stay away from processed foods, you will most likely find yourself eating differently. I like to think of it as a REAL FOOD diet. If you can grow it, you can eat it. If it comes in a package, it’s probably got stuff in it that your body would prefer not to ingest. Real foods that make up the foundation of this diet are vegetables, fruits, nuts, meats (not processed), eggs, avocados, olives, dairy, and beans. Controlling the amount of starches, like rice, potatoes, and oats, keeps blood sugars in a normal and healthy range.

My Wheat Belly, Jan 2015

This is what a wheat belly looks like. Not very pretty, eh? I NEVER show this part of my body off. Hiding it drives almost all of my fashion choices. But I took some pictures of my body this past year, and it seems appropriate to show this particular reality here. Before and After shots are always so inspiring. This is the BEFORE. I will post an AFTER shot when there’s less to show, and more to report.

Thank you, and Bon appetite!

Tea, anyone?

“When Things Fall Apart~ Heart Advice for Difficult Times” by Pema Chodron

December 23, 2014 by womanofpeace

My latest guidebook, and the one I turn to for ‘heart help’ in this Time of Trouble, is a book given to me recently by a friend of my mother’s. It fell into my hands at exactly the moment I needed it, as usually happens to me with books. The day before, Mom and I had watched Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday program and Pema Chodron was her guest. It was the first time I had ever heard of her. Mom had never seen or heard her speak. We were both enthralled.

The next day, Sheryle brought the book over for me to read, and I was thrilled. The day after, when I was being turned down for the CPE internship, Miquel Santamaria gave me a slip of paper. “You may want to read this,” he said~ “When Things Fall Apart.” It was the third time in as many days~ I knew it was a book I was supposed to read.

I carry it around with me, and open it up whenever I find myself in the space to receive. I’m reading Chapter 8 today, about the Eight Worldly Dharmas, which are four pairs of opposites: pleasure and pain, loss and gain, fame and disgrace, and praise and blame. Basically, when we are caught up in any of the eight worldly dharmas, we suffer. In each of the pairs, there is one we like and one we seek to avoid. The fact however is that none of them is permanent, and all of them fluctuate back and forth continually, out of our control completely. As Pema says, “We have all kinds of mood swings and emotional reactions. They just come and go endlessly.” She suggests that when we find ourselves hooked by any of the worldly dharmas, we can let ourselves “feel the energy, do our best to let the thoughts dissolve, and give ourselves a break. Right there in the middle of the tempest, we can drop it and relax.”

Today, I was unable to get up and go about my day as usual. I woke up wondering who I am and what I am doing in my life. I was feeling alone and scared, and I couldn’t seem to move so I just lay there in bed and tried to focus on my breath, saying, “I’m alive. Thank you,” an affirmation I took from HJN. I use it whenever I need to relax, and especially when I feel a great deal of fear~ in the dentist chair, for example, or in a scary relationship. It has never failed to be a comfort. I admitted to myself that although I was in emotional pain, it wasn’t excruciating, and I could bear it without the help of an anxiety pill. That gave me a measure of satisfaction, as I want to learn to experience my pain rather than medicating it away or eating it into oblivion. I want to become less terrified and more familiar with my loneliness and fear, and eventually be able to embrace them as any other part of my life.

I’m at Patty’s house. She’s my other spiritual guide, in the flesh. She arrived last night unexpectedly. Neither of us was expecting the other to be here. I came out into the living room, hesitant and fearful after hearing a soft swishing noise. Was there someone in the house? The sound was coming from her room. I called out, “Patty???” and was deeply relieved to see her bright cheerful smile when the door opened.

I couldn’t get to sleep, and came back out to find her still awake and willing to listen. She sat on her desk chair and gave me the big stuffed armchair, with a blanket between me and the cool leather, and I began to tell her the story of what’s been happening since I arrived here in September. Part One was about Mom and the family drama. I asked her if she had time for part 2 the next day, and she did. We went out for breakfast to Papa’s New York Diner, and I told her that I needed guidance about what my next step is. I feel like I’m in some kind of sticky syrup and can’t get myself out. These are some of her words of advice:

“Listen. God knows. There will be a sign. You won’t have to worry. You need to pray. And you don’t have to pray perfectly either! God is so merciful~ you only have to turn a tiny bit in His/Her direction to get an answer. Divine Guidance is there for the asking. Pay attention. Rewrite the Headline. Ask, Who’s in Control here? Don’t ask for tomorrow. Think only about NOW. What is this moment intended for? Fear paralyzes right action. Be still. ‘God will supply the wisdom and the occasion for a victory over evil.’” That last was a quote from Mary Baker Eddy. Patty is an avid Christian Scientist.

I dropped her off at the bank and came home to her house still feeling lost and not sure what to do with the time available to me. All I have is TIME, and so often it feels like we’re killing each other. I could call Laura. I could go sit in the sun. I could go eat something. All the usual. I was still trying to run away, to avoid the pain I was trying not to feel. Wait, I told myself. I lay across the bed and looked at the ceiling. Be still. Listen. That’s harder to do than I thought. It’s so much easier to just make myself busy. Old habits die hard. I told myself it was OK not to have anything to do but be with myself. Hand on heart, I let myself just be.

The day is almost over now. I am sitting on Patty’s couch, and she’s in her office eating her dinner and working on her computer. It’s 7:57 pm. I spent some time swimming and talking to Edna in the pool, a little time in the sun, and a little time with Judy hearing about the latest updates. I noticed I wasn’t as engaged or interested as usual. The emotional element has definitely taken a back seat to the concerns of the moment NOW. I took care of some shopping for both Judy and for myself, and came back here to Pat’s, walking down to the water’s edge and sitting on one of the benches looking out over the bay while I listened to some of my recent recordings. Tired, I came back ‘home’ and started to write.

I’ve been struggling and suffering terribly lately. I don’t like pain. Who does? And I’ve been caught up in lots of it~ feelings of loss, criticism, blame, anger, and fear. I’ve felt attacked and insulted by a member of the family, who doesn’t see what a good job I’ve been doing taking care of my mother for the past 9 weeks. I’ve been accused and raked over the coals for next to nothing. My emotional reaction has been to run and hide, and try my best to avoid contact in any way possible~ like a man resisting entering the lion’s den knowing the sharp claws that await~ but that has only made things worse. I’ve been clinging to a concept of myself that has been continually called into question, and I’ve been responding with anger and a desire for revenge (“Let them all just go to Hell!”) But Patty said all the pain has been my own doing. You mean there’s no one to blame but myself??

We all respond with habitual patterns to praise or blame, pleasure or pain. We puff up with pride when someone notices and comments on our contribution, congratulating ourselves for all the goodness we embody. We withdraw when an aggressor steps up and screams into our face, or lash out with our tongue when we can find the strength. If we perceive that something has been taken away from us unfairly, we often resort to a tit for tat like children fighting over a toy. I can see that I’ve been childish in my responses to the eight worldly dharmas. Rather than try to eradicate these feelings of pleasure and pain, loss and gain, praise and blame, fame and disgrace, Pema advises us to “get to know them, and see how they hook us…Then the eight worldly dharmas become the means for growing wiser as well as kinder and more content.”

I wanted to call my sister today and ask her if there was anything I could do to help~ but it seemed so scary, and the coin said no. I still toss it sometimes. Yesterday I wrote her a birthday card but was scared to deliver it. My habitual response to being attacked is to crawl away and hide, hoping to be unnoticed and left alone. But it doesn’t feel any better over in that dark corner. It’s lonely.

Today I tried and was moderately successful at letting go, dropping the drama, and relaxing. As Pema writes, “We want to know our pain so we can stop endlessly running. We want to know our pleasure so we can stop endlessly grasping….We want to know about loss so we might understand other people when their lives are falling apart. We want to know about gain so we might understand other people when they are delighted or when they get arrogant and puffed up and carried away…When we become more insightful and compassionate about how we ourselves get hooked, we spontaneously feel more tenderness for the human race… If we don’t look into hope and fear, seeing a thought arise, seeing the chain reaction that follows~ if we don’t train in sitting with that energy without getting snared by the drama, then we’re always going to be afraid.”

I was able to look at myself a bit more clearly today, and stay with the difficult feelings a little longer. I didn’t do my usual and give into my panic, running blindly into the comfort zone of eating, talking, or jumping into the car and going somewhere, anywhere, just to avoid the pain of my discontent. I stayed on my bed and let myself experience it, breathing through it with my hands over my heart, simply saying, “It’s OK, Robin.”

Pema writes that as our practice evolves, we “start understanding that, just like us, other people also keep getting hooked by hope and fear…Our motivation for practicing begins to change, and we desire to become tamed and reasonable for the sake of other people.”

I love those words ‘tamed’ and ‘reasonable.’ I want to be around people who have become masters of themselves. Tonight I feel better, and more connected to my inner strength. I know Patty would say it’s not my strength but God’s. I feel less shaky and desperate, and more whole and like myself.

As I listen to Patty’s stories of listening to the guidance of divine law, not limiting ourselves to our human expectations, and then discovering God’s ‘over-the-top’ abundance, I don’t feel as out of touch with that kind of experience as I did this morning. I have been there, too, and I know I can get there again if I let go of what I think should be happening here, and let God show me what She has in mind. She has an intention for me this very moment, right NOW. I have to pay attention and listen. It is a big work, and no one promises that it’ll be a bed of roses, but as Patty said when I left, “It’s worth the effort.”

The state of mind that approaches prayer

December 15, 2014 by womanofpeace

Leaf of the Tree

Photo: Kathy Gilman

Gleanings found here and there:

The important thing is to work in a state of mind that approaches prayer.

~ Henri Matisse

It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.

Photo: Saffron Moser

~ Wendell Berry

The practice above all practices is to relinquish the immature desire to be taken care of (by our parents, spouse, government, guru, church, etc.), and to parent our own originality. To give ourselves the support that we may never have received.

To get behind the creation of one’s life is to recognize your influence in ‘the way things are,’ and nurture your vision with protective discipline until it is strong enough to serve in the world on its own.

~ Toko-pa

We must become…

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LEAVING CHURCH, a memoir of faith by Barbara Brown Taylor

December 1, 2014 by womanofpeace

I like to copy key passages from my favorite books. The practice started about 9 years ago when I first held in my hands “Awakening to the Buddha Within,” by Lama Surya Das. It had been loaned to me by a friend, and I knew I had to get what I needed as quickly as I could before giving it back, so I copied everything that struck me as memorable and meaningful, filling all 127 pages of an entire notebook. I’ve been carrying my little ‘Buddha Book’ around with me ever since. It goes everywhere I go, and it’s helped me through some scary, lonely, and sad times. I open it and read the words that jump out at me, and they invariably give me a new view of the situation, and a way to go through it.

Since then, I have copied favorite lines from many books, especially books I knew I had to return to someone. There have been many, and I’ve noticed that the book I need to read seems to just show up. It’s usually one I’ve never heard of. My most recent discovery is a book by Barbara Brown Taylor, introduced to me by the former Episcopal priest of my mother’s church here in Largo. We’d been talking about my having taken distance from my own faith community, and all the questions that have been surfacing ever since, most still unanswered. She came by the house the next day and dropped off a book for me to read. She loaned me her guitar as well, but it was the book that I couldn’t put down once I had taken it up. It was called, “Learning to Walk in the Dark,” and reading it I felt someone had gotten inside my head and heart and told my story for me.

I’m on a second book by Barbara Brown Taylor now, called “Leaving Church.” It’s equally inspiring and affirming of my own experiences, and once again, I feel she has taken the words right out of my mouth. She tells the story of her love of God, her calling to minister, and her experience of leaving her post as an Episcopal priest to become a college professor. I’d like to share some of the passages that have moved me today.

In chapter 17, she quotes a friend and former parishioner, who said, “The good news of God in Christ is that you have everything you need to be human. There is nothing outside of you that you still need~ no approval from authorites, no attendance at temple, no key truth hidden in the tenth chapter of some sacred book. In your life right now, God has given you everything you need to be human”

With this thought in mind, I would like to share some of the excerpts that have spoken to me, and explain why when I can.

Some Excerpts:
“It remains possible to see Jesus not as the founder of a new religion but as the exemplar of a new way of being human~ a new Adam~ who lived and died with such an authentic faith in God that he gave his followers the courage to try to do the same thing.”

“Jesus preached the coming of the kingdom, but it was the church that came.”

“The way many of us are doing church is broken and we know it, even if we don’t know what to do about it. We proclaim the priesthood of all believers while we continue living with hierarchical clergy, liturgy, and architecture. We follow a Lord who challenged the religious and political institutions of his time while we fund and defend our own. We speak and sing of divine transformation while we do everything in our power to maintain our equilibrium.”

“God does not live at the seminary. God lives in the world.”

“What if people were invited to come tell what they already know of God instead of to learn what they are supposed to believe? What if they were blessed for what they are doing in the world instead of chastened for not doing more at church? What if church felt more like a way station than a destination? What if the church’s job were to move people out the door instead of trying to keep them in, by convincing them that God needed them more in the world than in the church?”

I think of something along these lines when I see a family picture of a small group sitting around the Thanksgiving Day table loaded with all the trimmings. There’s something sad about it, and a cloud crosses my mind as I think of the people that meal could have been shared with~ and the multiplication of joy that sharing it would have brought. In church on Sunday, I feel the same. What are we really doing for God here? Our service is insular~ week after week the same faces, year after year listening to the same message. Why are we all sitting here, passively being fed, when there are so many people out there in need of spiritual life? Once Rev. Moon suggested that we meet as a congregation only once a month, and the other 3 Sundays with friends and neighbors in our home. That makes more sense if we really are all priests, or mini-messiahs.

In the book, Ms. Taylor writes about her father’s death: “I discovered that faith did not have the least thing to do with certainty. Insofar as I had any faith at all, that faith consisted of trusting God in the face of my vastly painful ignorance…Since then, I have learned to prize holy ignorance more highly than religious certainty and to seek companions who have arrived at the same place.”

It’s comforting to think of ignorance as ‘holy,’ especially when you have lost your moorings and can’t say what the truth is anymore. The more we know, the more we realize that we don’t know. I’ve definitely become less certain about the BIG questions than I was when I was a young missionary, full of zeal and Bible quotes to back myself up. Now, all I know are the questions~ Who is God? Who am I? I’m searching for the answers, and it’s often very scary. I’m looking for people who have been here where I am, and have something good to say about being in the dark.

“In Luke’s gospel, Jesus says to the large crowd trailing after him, ‘Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.’…I think it was his way of telling them to go home…If he could not shake the crowd off, they were all going to get themselves killed, or worse. They were going to venerate his path in place of finding their own. They were going to expect him to tell them things that they could only discover for themselves.” When I read this I immediately thought of Reverend Moon, and how so many of us spent so long following his vision, when perhaps we should have been out finding our own. It can be a rude awakening to realize that you are still behaving like a child who has never taken the risk of walking out the door and discovering who you are.

When asked, “Tell us what is saving your life now?” these were the writer’s answers:
1. Teaching school.
2. Living in relationship with creation.
3. Observing the Sabbath.
4. Encountering God in other people.
5. Committing myself to the task of becoming fully human.

Let me try to answer the same question, What is saving my life right now?
1. Swimming in the pool, warmed by the sun and looking up at a fathomless sky, being outside and held up by sparkling water, beautiful and blue.
2. Judy’s help, support, laughter, and understanding.
3. Callie, curling up next to me, and giving me love bites.
4. Writing letters, and recording my life to share with myself and others;
5. Breathing~ Deeply. Slowly. Being with whatever I would rather be running away from. Slowing down in order to recover.
6. Books: Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark, and Leaving Church.
7. Laura, who’s always available when I need her, and who usually gives me helpful advice along with encouragement about how much I’m growing.

I’m really missing the teaching school part. It was the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had. I’d like to find myself in that place again, but I don’t know how at the moment. I’m trying to be in this ‘pause’ space without panicking, and just give myself time to look around at the inner and outer landscape. Becoming fully human is a work in progress, and it certainly isn’t easy. Running away from my sister today was a step toward being more honest about who I really am right now, and throwing off any pretense of being anything other than terrified. I don’t think I want to be the ‘good girl’ anymore. I want to be ALL of ME~ the good, the bad, and the ugly 🙂

I’m not sure how much I am able to experience God in other people. I have no trouble with animals. Gazing into Callie’s eyes is so calming. Stroking her, and receiving her purr-full response, and sometimes a kiss, makes me think of something so much larger than myself. But people? Wait. I just remembered Shallah at Culver’s hamburger place. We connected over the counter. I thought of her the next morning as I was brushing my teeth, that I could adopt her as a second daughter, and visit her occasionally, taking her little treats and words of kindness to help her through her 2 jobs and school.
And Ruthie, in the bed next to Mom at rehab. She is 99, and just suffered a stroke. Her grand-daughter was there visiting, and we pulled back the curtain dividing the room so Ruthie could see us, and observe the pleasurable social contact we were enjoying. Even though she can’t speak, she can see. I bent over to give her a kiss goodbye when I left, and she grabbed my hand. Something passed between us. Is that what Barbara means? Being touched by people, feeling my heart move…knowing you are seen and loved, even by a perfect stranger, who you see and feel love for in return?

I’d like to sleep out under the sky, and feel the night as it passes. Instead, I’m locked in and shuttered tightly against the fears I imagine out there. Maybe I will have the courage to take my sleeping bag out to the gazebo one of these nights. We’ll see.

Writing letters was an idea I got right before mom went into the hospital last week. I thought I would write one a day for a week, sharing thoughts about my life with people I haven’t been in contact with since leaving Belgium behind and coming to Florida. I remembered that only what we give comes back to us. As Barbara put it so well, “…we had nothing that belonged to us but what we gave to God and God gave everything back to us again so that we could share it with one another.”

My sister found and saved a letter I’d written to Dad when I was 14. That letter came back and is so precious to me now, bringing with it fully preserved a piece of my young beautiful heart, loving my father openly and simply, without guile or pretense, and caring so deeply about the injustice I see in the world. When I was a teacher at Kookmin University, I collected many stories from my students and thought I had saved them on my USB when I left. There were hundreds of them over the course of several years, but I only have the ones I sent to people to read, as all the rest were lost. It was a lesson I need to remind myself of. If you love it and want to keep it, share it. What you give will come back.

I’ll be taking the book over to Mom to read while she’s in rehab. A good book is like spending time with a good friend. The time goes by so pleasantly, and you don’t even notice it passing. She read Learning to Walk in the Dark, and loved it just like I did, so I think she’ll also be inspired by Leaving Church. We’ve both never really been church-goers. Even though I spent 35 years attached to one, it never spoke to ALL of me. Now that I’ve stepped out of the safety of it’s confines and limiting-ness, I have to admit that I feel like a piece of shit, with nowhere to hide. However, as Pema Chodron writes (and I’ll tell you more about HER book next time), “We can explore the nature of that piece of shit. We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarrassment and not believe there’s something wrong with that. We can drop the fundamental hope that there’s a better ‘me’ who one day will emerge. It’s better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.” (excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times)

Have I caught your interest?

LIFE CHANGES, Part 1

November 18, 2014 by womanofpeace

I’d like to write about what’s going on here. It’s a long story,
which begins with a change of address from Belgium to Florida.
To make things easy, I’ll start with something very clear and simple, Box 21.

Life Change, PART 1: Box 21

The view from BOX 21 is unbelievably perfect. You find yourself looking directly down over the orchestra, able also to look out at the audience without turning your neck in the slightest. Seats #1 and #2 are the best, of course. Once you’ve tried them, they are the only seats at the Mahaffey Theatre that you’ll ever want to sit in again. I’m absolutely sure of that. And you’ll definitely feel like royalty when your usher guides you along the back corridor that leads directly to your seats. It’s perfect for someone with a walker or a wheelchair because there are no rows or crowds to negotiate. In our case, there was no one else in the box with us when the lights went down and the choral strength of O Fortuna jolted us to attention.

My mother was enamored immediately by the conductor. Unfortunately, we were told that taking pictures was forbidden. We could easily watch his face as he was conducting and were fascinated by the range of expressions there~ friendly, stern, euphoric, urgent, placid~ we were glued to it as he cajoled, pushed, and commanded musicians and singers through the fantastic and raging energy of Carmina Burana. He knew every gut-wrenching lyric. We watched mesmerized as he mouthed them, eyebrows raised, head thrown back, and wand flourished mid-air, pointed at this section or that. Sometimes I was certain that he had glanced our way, stealing a quick peek up at us. It made me feel so close, and I worried that we might throw him off if our eyes actually met. Ha ha. What illusions we entertain in Box 21! We couldn’t understand how the orchestra followed his cryptic gestures, as the downbeat seemed only to be a visual cue, followed immediately by the inexplicably timed unleashing of sound. It was like a secret code of hand signals that no one but the performers could read. Electrified by pounding drums and lamenting voices, we gripped each other’s hands in the darkness, and listened raptly.

BOX 21, seats 1 & 2 is an allegory for the new life mom and I are carving out for ourselves. Yes, she has been declining, but still loves getting all dolled up and going out to a good show. And yes, I have been grieving, but I too still love getting dressed up and going out~ both of us still alive and yearning to be surrounded with the beauty of the living creative world. Yesterday when she heard there was a class nearby, she announced, “Let’s go! I really want to do Tai Chi!” I had to agree. “Me, too, MOM. I’ve wanted to do it for years, but never quite got around to it. Why don’t we both go!”

We missed it today because of a painful stomach upset she got last night, but it’s twice a week, so now it’s on the Friday calendar. We have a pool date with Dana and Judy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, a lunch date with Murph on Wednesdays, and if all works out, Tai Chi on Mondays and Fridays. Monday at 4pm is happy hour at E&E with the Team (me, Mom, Dana and Judy), and Sunday she goes arm and arm with our neighbor Dianna to church. In between are 3 tiny meals a day, and a growing cookbook to document the creations coming out of our kitchen. Weekday evenings at 6pm we have an appointment with Steven Colbert and Jon Stewart. We’re also regular viewers of Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, which is one of our spiritual ‘nouritures’ for the week.

Mom (on the right) with Judy at E & E

We like our little glass of red wine at about 4pm, with cheese and crackers and some humus if we have it. It’s usually served out on the back porch where we can watch wispy clouds moving across blue sky, and feel the late afternoon sun on our legs and faces. Calli the cat takes the sunniest spot with the biggest cushion, but we make do, and wouldn’t have it any other way. We both look forward to a quiet evening after the Daily News is over. Mom steals my book sometimes, and I steal hers. Or sometimes we read out loud together, taking turns. One night we sang~ I had Glad’s guitar at the time~ but usually we just sit and read, or talk, winding down along with the sun.

Callie

I know. This all sounds too idyllic. You’re right if you were thinking so. I’ve only shown one side of life here at my mom’s place in Florida. There are definitely others. But today I have committed to 24 hours of no complaining, so I have to be careful. If truth be told, there really isn’t much to complain about, but I can always find something, and I usually do. The reality is that stress builds up when I don’t ask for help, explain my needs, or take care of myself. When I allow negative thoughts to run rampant through my mind I feel bad, and unfortunately I’m all too used to doing that. As a caregiver, I have to remember that one of the biggest challenges is to make sure I give myself the same valuable care and attention that I’m giving to my mother. It’s like giving yourself the oxygen mask before you try to put one on your child. Everyone knows that it would be foolish to try to do it the other way around, but we often do it anyway. Burnout is a dangerous reality in the world of caregiving, and I have been teetering on the edge of it ever since I got here, 7 1/2 weeks ago. Self-care! It’s become a mantra. That brings me round to the big question: What are my needs, and how can I satisfy them? And what are Mom’s?

Every day we take a step closer to answering those questions for ourselves. One thing I know for sure, there’s more to life than eating, sleeping, and not falling☺ Mom has fallen 5 times since I got here, so prevention has become a daily, moment by moment concern. She’s not really the one afraid of falling~ that’s the caregiver’s big burden, and my number one stressor. It’s easy to get into a red-alert mentality 24/7. After recovering from the jolt of a recent fall, Mom felt good enough to go out with Judy to one of their usual haunts, E & E Steak House, where they like to sit at an outdoor table and sip margaritas. I noticed when she came home that she was fresh and excited and EXPANSIVE. She practically sailed through the door, feet barely touching the ground. The transformation was shocking. I had been overly protective, motivated by fear, and her spirit had started to wither. I felt guilt mixed with happiness when I saw how happy she was. Likewise, when Dana came over and dressed her up in all kinds of form-fitting spandex, and coached her through some deep breathing knee bends, I was surprised how young mom looked, and how girlishly she admired herself in the mirror. Going to see a performance by the Florida Orchestra was the same. She was relaxed, enthusiastic, and fresh, and I had to take another look. Where did the aging parent go?

I know we all need to be spiritually and emotionally energized by doing the things we love to do, and being in the places we feel most alive in. And it’s not enough just to preserve life. Living life to the fullest is our challenge now, and every day we take a baby step toward more joy, more satisfaction, and more life. Knowing the time is limited helps.

For me, the pool is an important part of my Self-Care. I never was much of a swimmer in my life, but I’ve discovered since coming here to live with Mom that I love how I feel when I’m in the water. Especially when it’s 87 degrees (the water) and only a 3 minute walk from our front door. I like that I can be alone AND public at the same time. Little by little I’m meeting the regulars, and a few of us know each other by name and it feels good to wave a welcome. I also learn things here and there from random conversations. Last week I found out that the pool gets cleaned 3 times a week. The day before I had found out that living here in this complex entitles us to a free membership at the spa nearby. Being friendly pays off.

Moving my body in ways I never do when I’m on dry land also pays off. I know I’m releasing stress with each stretch of my hand, and I feel as close to being a dancer as I ever have~ gliding through shimmering liquid turquoise, each stroke a work of art. Sometimes I imagine Michael Phelps, and pretend I’m a former Olympic swimmer. People keep telling me what a beautiful stroke I have, and if it looks anything like it feels, it certainly must be.

I’ve been gathering a pool wardrobe since arriving here. The thrift stores are part of my self-care because I feel so good when I find something I love and only have to pay a few dollars for. I have 5 bathing suits now, and they’re all pretty. Even though I’m overweight, I don’t feel like it when I’m walking across the patio or stepping out of the pool like I always did in the past. I feel good about my body, and unconcerned about what anyone else might think. Maybe it’s because most people here are older and more out of shape than I am, but I think it’s also because I’ve finally grown out of all the body-shaming that most of us go through as young women. I did it to myself, but no more!

What else nourishes me ~ physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally?

1. Meeting and talking with people~ the owner of Papa’s Diner, for example, and advertising his new restaurant to my neighbors here.
2. Getting advice from Mom’s friends~ who are healthy and still active, and who know and love her.
3. Spending time at the pool~ I know about 8 people by name there now, and I often learn something new about life here when I get into conversation with one of them.
4. The good books that keep coming to me.*
5. Taking pictures of everything beautiful and inspiring. Documenting my cooking.
6. Getting involved in something bigger than myself~ (like IWK, or KMU). I just signed up for a volunteer training program at the Suncoast Hospice Center the first week in December. Looking forward to meeting someone I can make friends with, like Lina, or Linda, or Lia.
7. Having a good talk with Mom over breakfast, or Dana at her pool. Getting an email from Maja, and writing to Anna, or getting a call from Emilie.
8. Singing~ it’s always been a big part of my self-expression, but recently I don’t sing often~ maybe I should find a guitar and take it to an open mic.
9. Mailing a gift package to BonPapa, Jean and Delphine (and buying the things to send them that I know will bring them all joy). I am waiting to hear from them when it arrives.
10. Buying nice things for Mom (the bib, the tickets to the show)
11. Being creative in the kitchen, and mom’s continued appreciation. She thinks I’m a gourmet cook, and I’m beginning to feel she might be right! I would like to get some help putting a cookbook together in a beautiful website, or book format.
12. Recording my thoughts and feelings on my phone as they come up ☺
13. Getting out of the house and going for a walk or a drive (often to the thrift store, and sometimes to the beach.
15. Training the cat to be picked up and held…She’s getting used to my heavy-handed ways, and doesn’t run away anymore when she sees me coming for her.
16. Opening the windows, feeling the fresh air, and breathing.

Mom also loves the pool, but she hasn’t gotten into yet. She calls it ‘the beach,’ and I do to. She likes to wear her suit and bask in the sun, and watch me do all the work. I’m pretty sure though that when she finally does get in the water, she’ll be a convert, just like me. She always wanted to be a dancer, and she’ll find out that she still can.

The ‘beach’ at Imperial Palms

She gets most animated when friends visit. Also when she meets new people on our walks around the gazebo across the street, or the neighbors passing by. She loves to stop if she spots Jim driving by in his golf cart, or the bus driver slowing down to wave. Everybody around here seems to know and love her. “Hi, Marilyn! I hope you’re not getting into any trouble today.” ☺

She reads the daily paper, does the crosswords, and loves reading a good novel. Her friends keep bringing over books for the two of us to read. Most of them are about the spiritual journey. I’ll have to write more about that in another post.
In the exercise department, Mom loves brisk, in-sync walking, arm in arm with a friend. We link arms, start out on the same foot~ left, right, left, right~ and off we go. We made it to the beach only once since I’ve been here, and that’s too bad, because she truly loves to watch the clouds at sunset. But she get’s tired more easily now. That’s a change I’ve noticed just since the summer. She doesn’t go as far as she used to, but she still exclaims about how good being out makes her feel. She can’t do it alone without a cane or a walker though, and that’s one of the transitions that she has had to adapt to. More about all this in my next post.